I didn't notice until this morning that he had a six inch RAT TAIL...
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
Turns out puking in your mask makes it even harder to see out of the mask..
Dude I've kinda accepted I may leave Nola with the clap.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I guess you know it was a good night when you find your ripped underwear in your pocket, and a nerf bullet falls out of your pant leg 😂😂
some guy had a sword and everyones crying..it turned bad..fast.
Randomize
