my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
I just found a bag of teeth...
The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I think the solution to your phobia is an open relationship with your dildo. about the same responsibility as a pet rock
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
You know for a guy who frequently jumps into stuff without thinking it through, your can do spirit is lacking on this one
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Your aunt just offered to blow me for a ride home....how did you end up such a prude?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
Randomize
