a/c is broke at work...just took my panties off at my desk and the janitor saw it...might have a date for later. let you know
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
There was a pumpkin carving contest and we carved a very realistic dick about to penetrate a vagina. Our Christian Youth hosts were not happy.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
You waddled all the way home with your shoes in a construction cone. I'm glad to call you my Bestfriend.
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