I got chris browned last night
the more pounds shes got the more points. bonus points awarded for specialty moves used. aka broken cowboy, tobogan, dutch oven, or brazilian fake out.
Annihilated within 20 minutes of arriving on Saturday, proceeded to hook up with him half a dozen times/almost have sex in the shed. Later on I text his boyfriend letting him know he's okay and that he's asleep next to me. If I could parlay this skill into a vital component of national security I'd be the Jack Bauer of homewrecking. Diner later?
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
People were staring and acting all judgmental and offended... Like they've never seen anyone breastfeed in a liquor store.
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
It's weird having sex with someone you actually like
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