I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
Just took my morning after pill in the library
he ate 15 dinner rolls and nothing else. then took a shit in the bathroom came out and blamed it on his dad. i wish i was 8.
having to delete all your hookups stored in your phone as first name followed by frat/bar after they've graduated is such a bittersweet feeling
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
I AM VODKA MAN
Is it counter productive to ride on my exercise bike with a cocktail in hand?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
If work found out I was using THEIR paper to write Karate Kid fanfic I'd never hear the end of it.
Randomize