happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
You smell like stripper and shame
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
There is a literally infinite number of spliffs going around this table.
Delicious
I feel like I'm at a sushi bar with a spliff belt.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.
You merely adopted the alcohol. I was born into it. Molded by it. I didn't see the hang over until I was a man and by then it was only blinding.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
I’ve got full Covid immunity, blonde hair and great tits! I’m basically unstoppable
Randomize
