Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
Well I was thinking of taking him out for drinks then lecturing him about his drinking... kind of like an open minded intervention
So I woke up with a terribly bandaged finger an then discovered a pot of bloody onions on the stove.....who the fuck decided it was a good idea for me to try and cook
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Want to sleep. Also want to see Alex on MDMA doing really stupid shit. Choices...
Today is a good day to get high. It's easy to blame the glazed-over look in my eye on my new contacts
Put on my pants to go to work and discovered they had melted.
Randomize
