guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
We're going on a mission for new porn. And ice cream.
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
I came home and drank a bottle of wine in the bathtub. I have AMAZING coping skills!!
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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