My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
Lesson of the night- sweaty dick can get stuck to ice, and require medical attention.
i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Please hurry. I'm the only one here who's not an attorney with a trophy wife.
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
