I will fuck a handful of worms if you hold them
found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I don't want to ruin date night, but you have no idea how hard it is to poop whilst looking at cute puppies.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
