I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine
Let's paint friendship bongs
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
We're not piercing ourselves today.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I need water and some morals
jump out the window naked night went bad
Randomize
