I wish I could teleport
Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.
We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
I just woke up on an unfamiliar floor, my shoes are gone, my suits covered in red lipstick and chocolate, and Im wearing sunglasses that say "Maid of Honor".God damnit I love this country.
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
Btw I definitely had pizza sauce on my face, a painful hickey on my neck, and I just remember screaming SISTER WIVES because of the girl's 1997 jean skirt! Wow.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
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