I met the friendliest cop last night
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
Shots and making dong molds for my gf's friends. Typical Monday night activities.
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.
YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
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