Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
I wish I could tell you that the worst thing that happened last night was how he got thrown out of a stripclub for vomitting on the girl giving him a private lapdance. I wish I could tell you that and not be lying.
I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Oh my god, are you sexting me while watching the Democratic debate.
100%
Now I'll never know if it was me that got you worked up, or Bernie Sanders' social policies.
Honestly at least you're not debating on whether or not you need to take plan b. But I can't because I spent all my money on pizza.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Randomize
