Shit chicky whatchu wearin rt now, ur skins?
Oh dear, kinda... in ur sweats!
U look good, r we getting naked in ur car?
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
How drunk is she?
She's trying to French braid the dogs hair, there's no stopping her
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
You used a fucking bud light like as lube last night. I'd get a UTI test like stat.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
Randomize
