Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
He was doing push ups, crunches and jogging in place in front of the restaurant. I'm not too sure I want to eat there if it requires immediate exercise following the meal.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
candyland with pharmaceuticals ... what could go wrong
After he finished he sang his college fight song like it was some victory
My gynecologist got a full view of the obviously bite marked shaped bruises on my thighs. I just kept talking about work and hoped she wouldn't judge me.
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
I have meat and whiskey. will you bring condoms?
I kind of just assumed by how he whisked eggs that he would be bad in bed.
I've never been so turned off by an omelet.
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
