So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
fuck school, let's just become the worst strippers ever
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
Randomize
