Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
You said you wanted to wrap his dick in a tortilla and make a spicy burrito. Let me just say, most girls don't have this hard of a time getting laid.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
it's like my ID runs away from me when it knows it's time for me to drink
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
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