Im drinkin out of a coconut! I think im gonna dip my balls in it!
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
It was 16 hours of liver killing mistake making goodness
He smells like ham and a lifetime of poor choices
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
Randomize
