It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.
You broke a window with your face. I don't think the landlord will be as impressed as we were.
I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.
Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
I may or may not have had sex last night then sent him home on a bike with two flats
I know you all think its cute to drop me off in a different state when I black out, but I can't wake up in family campgrounds asking where I am. These parents are scared.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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