i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
If you got tons of KY ads on HuluPlus, it's because I hit "relevant" every time.
I just want every freshman guy to know about Grindr just so I can have more options
You tried to steal my pants at 3am saying they were yours and somebody was gonna die, not cool dude
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
Randomize
