She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.
Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm smoking in a kimono on the couch. Bring me gin.
The best part about daylight savings time this weekend is we get an extra hour to be fucked up.
Everyone is coupling up and I'm just excited the bartender gives me enough attention to order more shots.
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
My mom just asked if I wanted a mimosa when I got out of the bath.
I think everything's gonna be okay.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
My one night stand from last weekend is now taking me on a date this weekend. How is this my life?
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