My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
I just gagged from thinking about the amount of tequila we will be drinking. DRUNK TUESDAYS
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
I don't know whether to laugh it off or be pissed at him..I got pulled over this morning leaving his place and the officer thought my hickeys were hand prints around my neck and asked if I needed to be escorted out of town.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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