we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
I feel like she is getting all kinds of bacterial exposure that may otherwise have been avoided had she been wearing pants
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
Quit giving me a hard time, whens the last time you got head every night? Cougars are where its at they dont play games
Randomize
