I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
i walked into the party and i guess everyone knew because they began to chant "ass to mouth"
There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.
Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
Jumanji is 1000% better stoned while cooking breakfast.
Oh my god. I slept with my boyfriend last night. It was wonderful.
And when I say my boyfriend I mean my electric blanket. Because that's the kind of life I lead.
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
