I want 2 things right now, you or a cig
cig
____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?
if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
New rule: if someone asks if you would like to snort a xanax the answer is no.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
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