i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Last night we hooked up in nothing but out UK shirts during half time. Never say I'm not a dedicated fan again.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
This fucking storm better not ruin my sex plans this weekend
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
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