Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
The best revenge is premature balding
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
i'm using my hot pot to make jello shots in a muffin tin. i'm never ever graduating.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
I'm taking a shit break of discontent as a personal protest
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Fun fact: the guy I banged last night. His middle name on his birth certificate is "Windstorm."
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
