maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Does it bother you that I left your underwear hanging in a tree at the zoo? i think the turtles are enjoying it.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
i just wrote an ode to an enchilada dorito. i'll need that pregnancy test now please.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
so i showed up to the bars in a sombrero and a tie as a headband... so yeah, they didn't let me in
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I texted him: “Come over for the Super Bowl. I promise lots of scoring.”
My divorce is turning into a porn script
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