By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
I have decided that a Nickelback cover band would be the pinnacle of loserdom.
i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
I look like slutty woodland creatures dress me in the morning. Everybody's got problems.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Randomize
