you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
Smoked a Vape in the library status: completed
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
don't take this the wrong way, but I'm not drunk but I need you to take me to the ER and you're the most likely to not be drunk now.
We finally gave up searching because everything had started to look like flip flops
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
