im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Randomize
