Wow so rude I was trying to have an orgy later but whatever
I think having sex with you would be a great treat for us
you guys got to bein so kosher and go with the flow
Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.
did i walk over a car last night?
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
She wants to go as a facebook "like" for halloween, but right now her costume looks more like the hamburger helper hand with broken fingers.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I'm using my ex bfs phone number to look up his Kroger card so I can get a discount on condoms...yep this is my life
THERE IS A MOTHERFUCKING HUMMINGBIRD FLYING AROUND IN OUR HOUSE RIGHT NOW HOW DO I GET IT OUT????
you know maybe it wouldnt be so bad if it hadnt happened before. At least I didnt blow him this time
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
