I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
A guy in a big stork costume just came to our meeting to give us condoms and t-shirts telling us not to get pregnant. Only at college
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
Easter was a success. We had an egg hunt and hid weed and conforms inside them. Cooked a ham, made some jello, got wasted. THIS is adulthood?!
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
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