Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
My moms helping me unpack but im getting a little nervous because I dont remember where i put my dildo
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
I'm sorry. I just realized our 'big night out' ended up being you driving my high ass to get burritos and back.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Yeah I remember doing the worm in my moms room. While she's yelling at me and I'm making seagull nooises
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
No actually you're a pro. You puked on the cab ride, and managed to completely contain it in your purse. the cabbie was even impressed.
Randomize
