Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
He's just sitting there staring at my sisters teddy bear hoping it will come to life.
Just talked to Laura, confirming that is my bra. Hope it goes well with the rest of your wall decorations.
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
Randomize
