I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
My team for a project is gonna have weekly meetings at a bar. yessss. they will do all the work while i thor hammer down beers.
He said he was a banker. Then he told me he made 15 an hour. I said he was a shitty banker then fucked his friend.
I have a bottle of vodka wrapped in a leg warmer in my purse. This is what it takes to get through Christmas with my family.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
No, I'm not a heathen. You two are the heathens, I'm the whore.
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
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