mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
My professor congratulated me on turning my assignment in early. I didn't have the heart to tell him I only passed it in early cause my sex plans got canceled for the night.
Randomize
