I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
we started the countdown to drunken sledding this weekend.
You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Kripsy Kremes at our place, bring your own coffee. And your own donuts because these ones are ours.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
We were making out on the floor and his 13 year old beagle crawled in between us & just sat there...I got cockblocked by an ancient beagle named Bubba
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize
