Was just hit on by a guy with 2 kids and one was named Rocky. I need to get out of Buena Park.
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
Just want you to know I am def drunk enough to burn down your house. Don't worry I checked the stove like 6 times. I love grilled cheese
I think they can follow the trail of blood to my house if they have a problem with me taking a dip in their hot tub last night b4 stepping on a broken bottle
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
Where you been?
Please tell me this is a booty call
Randomize
