Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I saved him as teletubby in my phone....that can't be a good sign. I'm not answering.
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
We're having Wednesday-night goat-night at the bar.
It's hard to explain...
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
And now I'm taking a break sitting on the bathroom floor thanking god that people who eat at subway are either too classy to piss on the floor, or are still relatively sober enough to not piss on the floor before 5pm.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
Randomize
