matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
dude my little brother busts into my room last night and yells did you know that grandma is hiding scrambled eggs between her legs
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...
I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.
We've finally come to the understanding that as long as our conversation stays stricaly sexual, we get along.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
Make me food? I don't want to be a science experiment. I'm dunk. Holy shit. Drunk*. Let's do science.
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
