I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
There was a woman who drank mouth wash to get drunk during her supposed detox...this is def the internship for me!
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