and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
I just don't understand how she's willing to go through so much planning and effort just to get a dick inside of her
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
WE JUST PASSED A FUCKING SPACE SHIP! NOT JOKING! A REAL FUCKING SPACE SHIP! THIS IS NOT THE DRUGS! SPACE! SHIP!
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
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