u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
im drinking tequila tonight so will you babysit my bra?
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
Remeber when we went camping and fucked those two guys? Yeah me either but I'm covered in poison oak so I'm guessing it's from that.
Randomize
