I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
I haven't been this hungover since you found me laying in front of your door gagging with pepto bismal tablets scattered around me
I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
Why am I getting texts saying are you ready for this butthole? Help
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Just went to court for a citation. Guess who my DA was? That girl I ATM'd last weekend. No ticket for me!
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
Randomize
