yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
You seriously don't know?He was trying to arrest you and you were shouting that you were being punk'd. Punk'd? that show got cancelled like 5 years ago.
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I seriously just had to blow dry my thong.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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