so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
"Tonight I'm turning swine flu into an std" this might be how zombies come about. Peace civilization.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
I told him to just roll me a blunt and put it in a heart shaped box.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
But I've also made plans to crash a black tie event wearing a storm trooper helmet. I think I've found the love of my life..
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
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