my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.
Just found a bottle of tequila in the washer.
have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?
I couldn't find my shirt this morning so I stole one from his eight year old sister. Slutted up my outfit quite a bit.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
Remember that time I came to London for 4 hours, got hammered, cried for an hour and then left.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
Randomize
