Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
I wonder how skeet ulrich feels about the skeet skeet phrase and and what it denotes.
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back
I resent that
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm so hung over that I just tried to send you a screen shot of the cracked screen on my phone.
I just stood beside an Amish man and bought Cocoa Krispies and tampons.
If you're gonna show up unannounced on hangover day, you better have coffee doughnuts and a boner
dude, totally just walked home...using pizza as gloves
How’s big weiner McGee?
I’m going to ask you one last time to call him Matt and he’s fine thank you very much
Randomize
