I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
I got her a Nickelback box set.
Dude I think I vomited on the wireless internet box too...it isnt working.
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I told myself I'd stop after three shots of fireball. Haha HA hA.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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