How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
Jack and I got in a huge fight at 6am. He fell asleep when I was giving him head so I freaked. We were both black out so I made a memo in my phone reminding me
I did not marry a roomba.
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