i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk
It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
Put my boyfriend in a chastity cage while he was passed out last night. Now I control his orgasms.
Randomize
