If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
stranger just walked up to the fridge at the party, took the hawaiin punch out, drank it straight from the bottle, looked at everyone who stared in awe and said "im fucking thirsty" and put it back.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
She's just so happy...and so naked.
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
I'm trying to blow this guy down here can you please get my husband out of the house.
So.. I was kinda upset i got the bad fuck out of the situation
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
i may have just googled 'is philly rioting right now'
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
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