She's holding my hand. I'm going to kill myself.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Dentist appt at 2pm get milk poured on my tits by 2am
A marvelous 12 hours
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
Randomize
