i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
I left when they started reinacting what appeared to be a jerry springer episode
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.
He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
he was making out with her against the stove and started a fire--the thirst literally almost burned the place down!!
STOP TRYING TO FUCK MY DAD
THE HOT GUY IS YOUR DAD?!?!?!?!???
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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