Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...
he stopped during sex, told me i smelled like McDonald's and went harder..
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
This is my gift to your gina
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
he left a full can of coors light underneath my windshield wiper, like a love note. if that's not husband material, i don't know what is
My penis has like 3 people bidding on it
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Last time he showed up for Christmas he went on and on about backpacking somewhere and getting ghonnorreah twice.
Randomize
