He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.
over or under 1pm before my bracket is too blurry to read?
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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