it hurts more in the daytime
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
Randomize
