So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.
I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Those were some damn good pancakes you made last night.
Dude I've been in FL since Monday.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
i woke up this morning from the best one night stand. i made the guy mickey mouse pancakes for breakfast and when i walked back into the bedroom he said "marry me"
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