I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
True college students do jello shots in the library
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