had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
I'm straight up riding in the back of my truck in a bean bag chair right now. Feet propped up and four loko in hand. Glorious.
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
So we are in the middle of sex and his brother knocks on the door and says "dude I just wanted to know if you want to see the fish I got tonight"
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Randomize